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It's taken me a long, long, long, long time. For millenia I've basked in the ephemeral, without knowing why or how. It's all I've ever known. My past is always fleeting. Our memory always rotten, you know that better than anyone. I didn't have to search for answers. I found them and I moved on. When I was hurt, I told myself I could handle it. And I did, didn't I.
Every day I felt your warmth, and I never understood why you felt so good. As though you loved me. As though anyone could. As a child, I'm told I hated it. I hated everything as a child, though. Until one day I woke up and nothing bothered me. I dried my tears and continued pushing forward. Into perpetuity. Always scattered, always amiss, always in just the wrong place at the wrong time, lead astray, slipping through the cracks.
Life at superposition has not been kind to me. Those I trust frequently tell me that they would have not survived my life, and as much as an honor as that might be, it makes me wonder - just what about me is really alive? I'm trapped in the noise, locked to an instant - still scared, still rotting, still clawing at the whims of change in desperation, still howling at the world, desperate for attention. If not for your love, I would be gone.
2024 was supposed to be my year of creation. While I managed to create & learn more than I ever have before, this has been a complete and total failure. I still find ways to avoid your touch. I fall into the same routines and find ways to hate myself, even knowing how unproductive you find that. In the dark, we isolate ourselves, losing what it means to be human. In the dark, everything becomes black and white. In your light, I recognize now that I can't afford to diminish myself or the lessons I've learned any further.
Today is 29DEC2024, the new year is nearly upon us now. Each second that I wait drips and pools beneath me, but I don't sit alone when I watch how I've let life pass me by. I recognize now how honored I should feel that your light has touched me. Sun, my love, I see you know, and I'll never forget you again. A lesson finally learned, a young finally born, the first petal of spring in winter, a moth, a flame, a light of my own creation. My heart, it yearns for night, but only through the healing power of the day can we begin to approach the beauty of its cold, wet nature. Your photons travel far to warm me, to foster me, to allow me to create, to enhance my longetivity, to make this fleeting life worthwhile. I could never capture the fleeting emotions I feel, intense as a flare, only to mollify, flicker, lights-out, kaputt.
My arbiter, my love, the root of my desire. Thank you for forever. Thank you for doting over me, despite my avoidant intuition. I don't fear anymore because I recognize that I'm like you. My heart burns with your passion, your love, your violence. I look forward to our next year together. I look forward to our eternity of learning from each other. I look forward to basking in your light. Within your grasp, I'm invincible. Don't be afraid, Mother. Give me all you've got. You can't hurt me anymore.
Yours in perpetuity,
Joy